The following letter is a reply to a series of posts that begins here. It is from a convicted and confessed sex offender who is presently in prison for his crimes.
Thanks for finally writing :)! You never did tell me writing letters "is just not your thing." Well I'm glad you took the courage to write this one. I have re-read it twice and I'm almost certain that won't be enough.
I honor you. My judgement is most people don't have the guts to be honest. I judge they skirt around the truth, or just avoid it with superficial letters. I'm glad you chose the other route.
It's tuesday night around 10. I'm laying up in my bunk listening to the radio and the Cavaliers game. On clear nights I can pick up a Cleveland station on AM. It's nice to hear familiar voices from home.
I'm not really sure how I'm going to get my point across.
I've shared with you that my arrest was the best thing that could have happened. I don't change that belief. I ask that you judge me as a man, not as a sex offender. That doesn't define me. It's something I did. And believe me, I am not trying to minimize that. It's horrible and something I can't imagine doing again. Fortunately I don't have direct victims,but that doesn't mean I don't consider the indirect victims. I have great remorse and struggle with being forgiven. And being forgiven may not be the correct phrase, because I believe saying I'm sorry is too easy. I believe 'I'm sorry' is too easy to say and get away with. I'm guilty of it. For me, it's just a scape goat. "I'm sorry that you were a victim of my crime." Sounds kind of blah, and not connected to me. "When I chose pictures of you being abused I was wrong. I can only imagine the pain you suffer and if I hadn't sought out your picture, maybe you wouldn't have to suffer any longer." That's what I mean.
Chris, I continue to put it all out there, here. I'm trying to change peoples perceptions, one at a time. I respect everyone's opinions. Ya, I don't like the negative ones, but I still respect them and I don't let them define me. My ex-wife didn't like the fact that I was so open. I respect that. The last letter she wrote me, when she ceased communication, she called me a monster. Unfortunately I am respecting her wishes not to communicate, but I'd love to share with you why I'm just the opposite.
The lights are off now so it's kinda hard to see.
I don't know what life has in store for me. I know I want to make a difference. What that'll be I'm not sure. Right now I'm making a difference in me. It all starts there.
Sure sucks writing in the dark. My neighbor is reading so I get a little light pollution from him.
There's about 1100 guys here. Rumor is 600 or so are sex offenders. I'd say 25% of those are doing something about their issues. I struggle too. There's guys here that have done horrendous things. Some continue their behavior here. I'm pissed and disgusted, using your words. If we ever have that cup of coffee I can tell you.
I spent 2 weekends ago with 12 of my peers and 14 volunteers doing 3 days of work on me. I was in a group of 3 other men with their volunteers. I was able to shine some light on some areas in my life. It was awesome. As par for the course, I was 100% open with these men. Men who told me they were disgusted with what I'd done, but I also proved to them that it doesn't define who I am. There's a naming process at the end that the volunteer that was with me gives me. He names me Wild Stallion. He described me as majestic, powerful, and free. A gentle warrior and a masculine, mature male. I own all that. I'm a man among men who believes he can change the world one man at a time. How's that for a mission statement? I don't have any tattoos, but if I did, I'd have one that said, "Only God can judge me."
Chris, I respect you for your thoughts. You may never get past the fears, and I'm not asking you to. I thank you for telling me your truths. I want to continue to be your friend, on whatever level is comfortable with you.
I'm glad your wife supports you on sending me books. I'm looking forward to the one from Francis Chan you talked about. All your books get read. My friend David has the Deadly Viper. I really liked that one. There's nothing that I really need to read. I'm reading Ludlum right now. We have a decent library and there's always magazines about. I really enjoy the food magazines, I get 3 of them now.
When you find some time share with me any responses you got on your blog.
Thanks for your truths and honesty.
I'm inviting you to speak to Billy. I will be sending the entire series with comments to him. I'll wait a week or so. Respond as if he doesn't exist and will never read your words, respond directly to him, respond to me, or ignore this post entirely.
It's up to you.